The wedding
The hustle and bustle of the place, the noise of people busily going about their work, aroma of food being prepared on a large scale, everything felt surreal and yet too intimate. It was the preparation for a grand Indian wedding - my own. Tamil Brahmin ladies were in silk saris rushing about, the soft rustle of their colourful garments causing a sibilant sound in the air. The cook, a rotund man with a big pot belly, was stripped down to his waist. Sweat was pouring from his brow as he stood next to a large pot on a fire, stirring some sugary liquid with great gusto. Children ran around helter skelter, their voices rising shrill and excited as they chased each other in game play. Music blared loudly through the giant loud speakers fitted out in the function hall. Nadaswaram - the piped instrument payed very commonly in Tamil Brahmin weddings - was being played in full flow by the expert musicians hired for the job.
Amidst all of this action, I felt the tension rising within me like a subterranean magma flow. There had to be an eruption soon otherwise I would collapse from the strain. All of this was wrong and had to be stopped. I am usually a mild mannered and soft spoken soul. I don't express emotion or my inner feelings so quickly. In fact, many times people have made fun of me, and I have kept quiet, seething on the inside but with a smile on the outside. Years and years of being this way have cost me dearly, leaving me with serious social anxiety or shyness depending on which terminology you prefer. I much rather prefer avoiding social gatherings. In the recent past, I have found myself panicking for no reason, thinking I might fall down or make a public scene of myself by fainting. However, I am by no means a complete write off. I pride myself on my fitness and am an active, slim and fit personality who most of my acquaintances would look on with respect. I call them acquaintances because that's what most of them are. My social anxieties make me look distant and cold to many people and it repulses them off.
Who was this girl I was marrying? I don't know. My parents were arranging it. I looked around for my father - I needed him desperately. Where was he? He must be bustling around with various people trying to get things organized. But this was so important and urgent. Ah! There he was, would I finally get a chance to speak a few words to him? He was a short statured, small man with a fierce moustache lending him an air of dignity. Quick to smile and laugh, good humour sat on his shoulder, radiating a benevolence all around him. It attracted people to him much the opposite of how my own coldness repulsed people. However, I wished all those people could leave him alone so that I could tell him my agonies. I could have shouted out for him, but it wasn't my style. Shyness and a retiring nature were so ingrained in me that my shouts would hardly be more than mere murmurs in such noisy surroundings.
I had to tell my father - that I was happily married with two kids! I did NOT need or want a second marriage. Why were they doing this to me? Yes, they did not seem to be around me right now, but that didn't mean they didn't exist. Sweat started pouring off my brow as I imagined how all these people would react if I were to refuse to marry who ever it was they had arranged. People pleasing was second nature to me. The thought of upsetting the cart and causing a commotion filled me with great dismay. But I had to do it! As my father came quickly around a corner, I mustered my courage and went up to him. As I was about to tell him the bitter truth, some hired hand came up to him asking minor questions about the work he was supposed to do. My chance had vanished in thin air.
As I squirmed and agonised in discomfort, suddenly everything disappeared and the nightmare was over. My wife of over a decade was sleeping right next to me. Everything was as it should be! It was just a dream. I heaved a sigh of relief and went back to sleep.
Amidst all of this action, I felt the tension rising within me like a subterranean magma flow. There had to be an eruption soon otherwise I would collapse from the strain. All of this was wrong and had to be stopped. I am usually a mild mannered and soft spoken soul. I don't express emotion or my inner feelings so quickly. In fact, many times people have made fun of me, and I have kept quiet, seething on the inside but with a smile on the outside. Years and years of being this way have cost me dearly, leaving me with serious social anxiety or shyness depending on which terminology you prefer. I much rather prefer avoiding social gatherings. In the recent past, I have found myself panicking for no reason, thinking I might fall down or make a public scene of myself by fainting. However, I am by no means a complete write off. I pride myself on my fitness and am an active, slim and fit personality who most of my acquaintances would look on with respect. I call them acquaintances because that's what most of them are. My social anxieties make me look distant and cold to many people and it repulses them off.
Who was this girl I was marrying? I don't know. My parents were arranging it. I looked around for my father - I needed him desperately. Where was he? He must be bustling around with various people trying to get things organized. But this was so important and urgent. Ah! There he was, would I finally get a chance to speak a few words to him? He was a short statured, small man with a fierce moustache lending him an air of dignity. Quick to smile and laugh, good humour sat on his shoulder, radiating a benevolence all around him. It attracted people to him much the opposite of how my own coldness repulsed people. However, I wished all those people could leave him alone so that I could tell him my agonies. I could have shouted out for him, but it wasn't my style. Shyness and a retiring nature were so ingrained in me that my shouts would hardly be more than mere murmurs in such noisy surroundings.
I had to tell my father - that I was happily married with two kids! I did NOT need or want a second marriage. Why were they doing this to me? Yes, they did not seem to be around me right now, but that didn't mean they didn't exist. Sweat started pouring off my brow as I imagined how all these people would react if I were to refuse to marry who ever it was they had arranged. People pleasing was second nature to me. The thought of upsetting the cart and causing a commotion filled me with great dismay. But I had to do it! As my father came quickly around a corner, I mustered my courage and went up to him. As I was about to tell him the bitter truth, some hired hand came up to him asking minor questions about the work he was supposed to do. My chance had vanished in thin air.
As I squirmed and agonised in discomfort, suddenly everything disappeared and the nightmare was over. My wife of over a decade was sleeping right next to me. Everything was as it should be! It was just a dream. I heaved a sigh of relief and went back to sleep.
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